At one point in my marriage I had a secret bank account with over $40,000 in it.
My husband, Ian, had no idea.
I believed I always needed an “escape plan”.
And, money was a contentious issue in our marriage, combined with the fact that neither Ian or I had any idea how to talk about it without a massive blow out.
I am NOT saying that a girl should not be financially secure, in fact I am a huge advocate for every single woman having access to her own money, but for me, that secret bank account was – well a secret – that was coming out of fear, mistrust and anxiety.
And living with secrets really SUCKS.
I did come clean and tell Ian about that bank account and in fact we used it as a down payment on a house…a way better investment…
but it showed me where I had some major fear, shame and mistrust when it came to money, men and marriage, and that I needed to learn how to talk about money.
Healing that and learning those skills was one of THE MOST POWERFUL things I have done for myself and my marriage.
Ian and I now talk about money with ease and grace, and more importantly there are no secrets or lies.
We are on the same page which feels amazing.
Money is a charged topic in our world and in marriage, and most of us never learned how to make peace with money and certainly never learned how to talk about it.
Money is the #1 cause of divorce, and overall stress.
This has to change, and I believe it’s essential that we don’t pass on these horrible habits to our kids.
We have to be the one to say this shit stops here!
I could see his frustration and annoyance with me, but felt paralyzed to do anything.
“I don’t need your help,” I said.
“I am more than capable. Besides why would you want to help me?”
This was a conversation between Ian, my husband, and I nearly 20 years ago, but is illustrates the roles we fell into in our marriage and our business that nearly destroyed both.
We all have “roles” and patterns we fall into that we have been in since childhood.
We think it’s “who we are”, but the truth is we have created them to navigate life, especially early life where they did serve us to some degree, and then they actually become major roadblocks in our life.
The Responsible One
I was often in the “The Responsible One” role. I was the go-to girl and would actually unconsciously create situations where I could be the hero, and be “on my own.”
I would not ask or accept help which would result in overwhelm, burn out and resentment at work and at home. I was more comfortable being self-reliant, and alone than in relationship. TRUST ISSUES!!!!
It also meant I would over-work, over-do and over-think and place work above all else in my life. I had little time for vacation, play, sex or connection, but it was a role I had been familiar with since I was a child.
The People Pleaser
For Ian, his pattern was “The People Pleaser”.
Even if he wanted to say no, he would say yes. He was the guy that would do anything for anyone.
This meant over-committing to people and things and not honouring himself. BOUNDARY ISSUES!!!
Ian said: “I was always doing something for someone in an effort to feel loved and valued. But it was a false sense of value. It was based on the belief that I was lovable only if I was working hard or struggling – usually for someone else.
Finally, I got to a place where I couldn’t win. I ran out of time, energy and my body was breaking down, as well as my marriage.”
Of course, we were the perfect toxic match and brewing storm.
There are more roles and patterns than just these two such as The Martyr, The Clown, The Princess/Prince, and many more.
How do we recognize what role we are in, and break out?
Ian and I recently spoke to dating expert, Lanna Dang on roles and patterns and how they affect everything from our sex life to the money flowing into the bank account.
You can learn how they show up in your life, and what do about them before it is too late.
Yes, we guarantee there are roles that are playing out in all areas of your life…
As a man who grew up “hardened” away from emotional sharing, I found it easier to get angry and identify with the Imbalanced Masculine side (self-evaluation graphic below).
It was an excuse to not be open or fully commit to my partner and be in an honest, co-creative relationship.
The Toxic Masculine would show up in me as:
Losing my cool and saying things I didn’t mean.
Not talking for days and literally “stone-walling” Shasta and others.
Feeling alone and like the whole world was on my shoulders.
Holding onto things from long ago – things that were said in the past and yet, I still “nursed” those old wounds.
Do any of these sound familiar?
The Imbalanced or Toxic Masculine in Love.
I learned and am still learning to break through these and take deep responsibility for myself as a man, a husband and a creator in the world.
My past is not something that I am proud of but it’s no longer something I am willing to shame myself about either.
It has helped me get to where I am today, and be in the relationship I am in with Shasta, and doing this work in the world now for men and women.
I use those experiences to be a more compassionate and loving husband, friend and leader.
Though our partner, employees/colleagues or family can challenge us in relationship, we must take the responsibility to look at the wounded places within us and stop the cycle of blame and victimization.
Again, these patterns can show up in women or men though men tend to display more of the Toxic Masculine and women more of the Toxic Feminine because of cultural conditioning.
Take a moment and honestly reflect if any of these patterns are within…no shame or guilt.
Man or Woman – Break Through the Toxic Patterns If you want one-on-one support to create the results you long for in all areas of your life and want to heal these things FAST, then please reach out. Book a confidential call at https://go.oncehub.com/ShastaTownsend
Whether you are a man or woman…understanding the Imbalanced or Toxic Feminine (and Masculine) is essential on our path of self-empowerment and loving relationship with yourself and others, and especially your lover.
The Toxic or Imbalanced Feminine is extremely prevalent in our culture right now.
Though the Imbalanced Feminine is often ascribed to women, men can have these patterns too.
I created a brief overview on how this imbalance can show up in Love / relationships…
Take a moment and honestly reflect if any of these patterns are within…no shame or guilt.
The first step in any healing or transmutation is our willingness to actually look at this “imbalance” within us.
As a self-proclaimed “independent” woman, Love and intimacy has been one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences of my life.
It has required me to look at the imbalances or toxic patterns I have around men, sex and relationship including:
The ways I armour myself.
I don’t ask for what I want or need.
I just “do it myself” and then feel resentful.
And even latent anger I hold against the Masculine. “Don’t fucking talk to me that way!”
It is not a pretty side of myself, and yet it is also a beautiful opportunity to transmute this into something powerful, and no longer be the victim of past abuses, neglect or fear.
What are your aha’s or thoughts??
Healing the Imbalanced Feminine – Invitation + Opportunity
If you want to learn more and learn how to heal this at an even deeper level I have a special LIVE offering for those living in the Greater Toronto Area.
I am leading a 4-week live “beta test” of a new offering called Hacking The Mythic Woman.
I’m bringing together the latest in neuroscience, quantum physics, spiritual laws, body wisdom AND ancient myths to help you Hack the Mythic Woman within and create success with more ease and grace than ever before.
You will breakthrough into amazing results in income, relationship, confidence and clarity thanks to a unique combination of storytelling, scientific-based mind mastery and body movement as well as group coaching.
These teachings are for women, at any age and any stage, who are ready to learn the tools, practices and mind mastery techniques from a feminine perspective.
Want One-On-One Support And as always if you want one-on-one support to create the results you long for in all areas of your life and want to heal these things FAST, then please reach out.
If travel is one of your passions but it’s feeling a little stifled lately, then we wrote this just for you!!
As an entrepreneur or business leader, jet-setting lifestyle may not be do-able, but you can get PAID TO TRAVEL…
Travel is one of our passions. If you’ve been following us on Instagram you know we have been in the Costa Brava just north of Barcelona these past two weeks.
And we kind of get paid to do it…
No, we aren’t the children of heiresses or oil tycoons. In fact, we are the children of parents who never traveled and saved every dime.
We created a “formula” for travelling and “getting paid” – that ensures our businesses are secure and making money while we are away.
You can do it too.
Follow our acronym “SASS” to enjoy more freedom and financial success and live your travel passion.
S = Shared Vision. This is about getting on the same page as your spouse even if your spouse does NOT share your travel bug. You will need their support so you need to actually share what you desire.
Well,first it’s actually about owning your desire for travel and live well. If this is what you really want, then OWN IT.
I use to feel a ton of guilt about my “irresponsible” need for wander, but then I thought about all things in my life I regretted and 99% of them were things I had NOT DONE.
Secondly, know your Big WHY.
As business leaders we are so busy building and running the business that we forget about our BIG WHY. Your BIG WHY is why the heck you are doing any of this anyway.
Part of my big why is being in service and making a difference, but it is also to live a life of FREEDOM. I left my corporate career for all three, but a few years ago I was feeling like a slave to the business, and that meant burn out and resentment. That’s not good for me, my marriage or the business. I was not taking time off and my gypsy soul felt trapped.
I talked to Ian about this, who also has a wanderer’s soul and we made the decision to ensure we could slake our wanderlust at least 4-6 weeks each year.
Few couples have a Shared Vision or a BIG WHY so life, marriage and business can become humdrum and hollow, or worse overwhelming and soul sucking.
It’s important to talk to your partner about the Shared Vision, and “own” what you really want too!
What do you really want? What do you each want? What do you want to create, experience and share together?
A = Agreements.Agreements are clearly spelled out commitments that everyone knows about and is in “agreement” on.
You need agreements in your relationship and business everyday but especially while travelling. These ensure you are all on the same page and they help build trust and ease.
We are huge advocates of agreements!
Ian and I have agreements at home and “on the road”. We are clear how much time we work, explore, relax and experience while travelling. This helps us maintain balance and clarity. It also helps us support each other.
Some days I have a writing deadline and can’t go on the wine tour until the evening, or he has a sales call in the evening so we need to push a dinner reservation. We are clear on what we need to complete and agree to support each other, while not getting overwhelmed with work too.
We also have agreements with our team. Our team is clear on what the agreements are in terms of deadlines, projects, reporting and even when and how to communicate with us. They know when to send an email, when to send a text, and when to just wait until we are home. The connectivity of the modern world can be an amazing blessing, but also a major distraction and intrusion so having clear agreements on when and how your team (and clients) communicate is key.
Learn how to get more freedom and financial success flowing into your life and business! Join our LIVE event in Atlanta.
S = Staff. Staff, sensational staff, are essential if you wish to have freedom in your life – at home and on the road.
Staff can mean business bliss or business hell, as well as life hell. They affect your bottom line, your cardiograms and your sex life! Consider how much time you worry about staff!
For many business leaders, employees can feel like a big-ass head ache so they limit their business and personal growth to avoid dealing with staff.
We have an associate who refuses to grow his business because he believes it will be a pain in the ass to have more staff. He refuses contracts, and thus money because he can’t fill orders. Hiring literally one more person could mean amazing wealth for him and for them.
Consider also how much you are “doing yourself” that really could be delegated to someone who might do an even better job!
Many a marriage and business has been saved by creating the stellar dream team, and learning how to totally trust, empower and build them up. Staff is one of the areas that we help our private clients create the biggest gains.
I could write forever about the power of team and staff. We have been blessed with amazing people over the last two decades, but it is not an accident. We chose them and empowered them. We supported them and required support in turn.
Great talent is also one of the most essential aspects of business. Whether you have 1 employee or 1000, staff can make or break your life outside of the business, and in it too!
If you want to have a first-class jet-setting lifestyle, then you need to a first-class team!
S = Support. Support is what you need in place to travel and ensure all things keep on ticking in all areas of life so you can FEEL free. This is different than staff.
For example, we live in Canada and we get buckets of snow. We have a cat. We have a rural property. We have monthly tax filing requirements. So, we have a snow plow guy, a cat sitter, a housekeeper and a book keeper. All of them are clear on their roles and responsibilities. We know that our personal life, businesses and home continue to run in our absence. Phew.
GET SUPPORT!! I can’t stress this enough.
We also have the right technology, business programs and communication platforms that support us.
Cash is always flowing into our businesses even if we are not physically at home. This way we continue to “get paid to travel”.
We have set up our life and our business so we CAN pretty much take off on any adventure whether it is an adventure in learning as we invest heavily in self-development and business growth each year which often means we travel to do so.
Or if it means taking a last-minute adventure to enjoy food, wine, friends and culture around the world. Our recent trip to Spain was a decision made on New Year’s Eve and 6-weeks later we were in the air. It was not really planned at all, but was a spontaneous YES.
Because what is the point in being an entrepreneur if you can ENJOY this life too!!!
You can be the jet-setting king or queen you dream of…with the right support, systems and staff.
Much love and bon voyage!
Shasta + Ian
P.S. Did you know our upcoming LIVE event in Atlanta will give you the skills to create what you REALLY want in your relationship and business, IMMEDIATELY!