“Just let me help you.”
I could see his frustration and annoyance with me, but felt paralyzed to do anything.
“I don’t need your help,” I said.
“I am more than capable. Besides why would you want to help me?”
This was a conversation between Ian, my husband, and I nearly 20 years ago, but is illustrates the roles we fell into in our marriage and our business that nearly destroyed both.
We all have “roles” and patterns we fall into that we have been in since childhood.
We think it’s “who we are”, but the truth is we have created them to navigate life, especially early life where they did serve us to some degree, and then they actually become major roadblocks in our life.
The Responsible One
I was often in the “The Responsible One” role. I was the go-to girl and would actually unconsciously create situations where I could be the hero, and be “on my own.”
I would not ask or accept help which would result in overwhelm, burn out and resentment at work and at home. I was more comfortable being self-reliant, and alone than in relationship. TRUST ISSUES!!!!
It also meant I would over-work, over-do and over-think and place work above all else in my life. I had little time for vacation, play, sex or connection, but it was a role I had been familiar with since I was a child.
The People Pleaser
For Ian, his pattern was “The People Pleaser”.
Even if he wanted to say no, he would say yes. He was the guy that would do anything for anyone.
This meant over-committing to people and things and not honouring himself. BOUNDARY ISSUES!!!
Ian said: “I was always doing something for someone in an effort to feel loved and valued. But it was a false sense of value. It was based on the belief that I was lovable only if I was working hard or struggling – usually for someone else.
Finally, I got to a place where I couldn’t win. I ran out of time, energy and my body was breaking down, as well as my marriage.”
Of course, we were the perfect toxic match and brewing storm.
There are more roles and patterns than just these two such as The Martyr, The Clown, The Princess/Prince, and many more.
How do we recognize what role we are in, and break out?
Ian and I recently spoke to dating expert, Lanna Dang on roles and patterns and how they affect everything from our sex life to the money flowing into the bank account.
You can learn how they show up in your life, and what do about them before it is too late.
Yes, we guarantee there are roles that are playing out in all areas of your life…